"You can change your fate. You can sit back, or you can go after your life and what you want it to be."
Charming friend: "I got yelled at by my boss, my computer crashed, I gained 5 pounds and now my cable's out!!"It's important to get the "Sympathy Bless Your Heart" out of the way and to know right up front that there are sincere times to use it and doing otherwise would be unthinkable.
Me: "Bless your heart."
"Can you believe that that stupid girl is going to marry Skeeter Morgan? He ain't nothing but stomp down sorry! And she is too stupid to live! Bless her heart."
"That check out girl over at the Piggly Wiggly is so bucktoothed she could eat apples through a picket fence. Bless her heart."
"Well, it's not really that she's ugly. It's just that she's, well, she's just so plain. Bless her heart."You get the drift. The "Sniping Bless Your Heart" is great when talking about the girl who married your old boyfriend and then gained 50 pounds - bless her heart. Or your next door neighbor's uppity daughter who went off to college and got so drunk she fell down a flight of steps and now she's in traction for 3 months and will miss cheerleading tryouts - bless her heart. Or their son. You know, the one who couldn't get into Carolina and then decided to become a mortician? Bless his heart. Basically, anything mean you want to say about somebody else can be said without consequence as long as you bless that person's heart.
"Is it true?"
"Yes. I was standing there waiting for the reception and one of the bridesmaids came walking by carrying this large basin and I heard her say to another guest 'It's for Ashley. She's gonna wash Ben's feet.'"
*long pause while both stood, flabbergasted and reliving the horror -then finally*
"Bless her heart!"
(From what I could gather Ben and Ashley were the newly married couple and foot washing (although Biblically sanctioned) was frowned upon during uppity wedding receptions at Myers Park Methodist Church. The actual "Bless her heart" was not directed at Ashley - but at the Groom's mother - who was not the least bit happy about Ashley's decision to kneel on the ground, in her wedding gown, in front of others, and become subservient to her husband in front of *literally* God and everybody....)I actually caught myself using this one just yesterday when talking about an unfortunate young man who is on trial in Charlotte for murdering two police officers without provocation and in cold blood. In my opinion, there really isn't any middle ground. He is either crazy or just as mean as cat shit, because nobody walks up behind two cops and shoots them in the head for no apparent reason and with no plan of escape. And he may very well be crazy - but I think he's gonna fry....bless his heart.
"There are some who want to be married and others who don't. I have never had an impulse to go to the altar. I am a difficult person to lead."
Greta GarboImage: Myths: The Star by Andy Warhol, 1981.