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Happy News

Good morning all!

I wanted to share some happy news with you all -

First of all -

Please meet Theodore Atticus or Teddy for short. 

He is 7 months old and, as you can see, he is not a corgi and he has stolen our hearts.  I have to say that I still cry almost daily in my grief (teary moments as opposed to sobs) but this baby is a joy to us. 

And......

This is my husband and our children.  He has been kind enough to share these precious ones with me and they have been kind enough to share themselves. 

I feel a new burst of creative energy and I have missed you all and this little blog.  Its going to have to morph a bit but if you're still hanging with me - expect some changes and lots of new posts soon.  

xo

Tonya and Gary

Goodbye, my darling

Everyone,

I wanted to let you all know that we lost our little Lola Bean on Tuesday - just about one month after Finn.  She had a stroke in the night and we could not save her. 

My heart is broken. 

In the end, I just don't think she could do without Finn.  They always belonged to each other more than they belonged to me and she was lost without him.  If it makes any difference, I think she tried.  But her heart was more broken than I knew.

It's so hard for me to accept that this shining little light is gone from my life.  I know that they are together now and I hope they will always be. 

xo 

Tonya and Gary

Finn

Everyone,

We wanted to let you all know that we lost Finn on Monday night - around midnight. He started seizing at around 10:00 p.m. and although we could ease his symptoms we could not help him and we knew that the cancer had taken a hold from which it would not let go.  He was happy and content right to the end - he had such a strong heart!  But on Monday we knew that is was his time and we know that he is now at peace. 

He had the most beautiful day - and 3 bites of steak for dinner.  And he had the most beautiful life.  He gave us every happiness and we can only pray that we, in turn, gave every happiness to him.

We are so blessed to have had him in our lives and we are eternally grateful that he was so happy and filled with such strength and such joy and such love.  He was - truly- the sweetest and most gentle soul we have ever known.   We are blessed and honored that we had as much time with him as we did and are forever and endlessly grateful for the deep, beautiful blessing of his life.  





But - losing him - the heart simply breaks open....  

xo 

Tonya, Gary and Lola Bean.

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Our Little Finn

Everyone,

Please keep our little Finn in your prayers.  On Wednesday night he experienced two seizures - the second much worse than the first.  We rushed him to the emergency vet.

After blood tests they discovered that his glucose is very low and that he most likely has an insulinoma, a pancreatic cancer.  Given his age, we have chosen not to put him through aggressive treatment.  We have consulted with our (his) vet and the internist who specializes in these things and have agreed to treat him with steroids and food management for as long as we can keep him comfortable.  Unfortunately, his days are drawing short.

I love this picture of him - which we took last summer.  Now, writing this, I'm not sure if he'll be here for the heat this summer.  His life has had been nothing but a blessing to me and to all who know him.  He is truly just a little angel.

If you pray, please pray for him and for us as we begin our final walk together.  If you don't pray, we'd appreciate it if you'd just keep him in your thoughts.  The knowledge that I will soon lose my precious baby is overwhelming to me and I am struggling to accept it so that I can focus on caring for him in his last days.   At other times I am comforted in knowing that he has had a happy life - and that I pray that I have given him as many happinesses as he deserves. 

xo - tonya

Getting Married!

I said "yes"!

A New Year!

Hi!

I know - I've been MIA.... 

Well, not really.  I've been MIA from the blog.  I've been very immersed in the rest of my life.  So much so that the blog is suffering. 

Like the rest of my life, the blog is in transition.

I know y'all think it looks like I'm not doing anything but I'm actually thinking a lot about the future of this little blog and I need to make some changes.  I just don't know how to do it. 

Literally - I hired someone to do a template for me and now I can't change it and I want to.  So I'm looking into it and in the meantime I'm sort of mentally stuck.  Part of the problem with being me is that this kind of shit just freaks me out. And so I'm stuck. 

But trust me when I tell you that I'm giving it lots of thought. 

In the meantime, I know y'all all spent all year looking forward to my New Year's Resolutions but I swear I haven't had many thoughts this year ....

So far, I've only come up with a couple:

The first is to learn to make pho (I found a recipe).

The second is to love my life more - even when it's hard. 

I hope that you can glean from this blog that I wish to be grateful, to be full of gratitude and no matter how grateful I ever am, I don't feel like I'm grateful enough.  So I'm trying to be more grateful this year, more in love, more engaged, even when its hard. 

So thanks for stopping by and I hope you all had a lovely, lovely holiday season. 

I'll be in and out while I struggle with this.  Thanks to all who visit!

xoxo

Tonya

On Gratitude

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

Thornton Wilder

Image:  Amaryllis by Joann Bristol.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone!

(I know I've flaked out recently - I'm trying to pull it together!)

More next week.

Image from Matchbox Magazine.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!!!

Happy Weekend

Happy Weekend, everyone!

Our thoughts and prayers are with all those affected by Hurricane Sandy.  Please consider donating to the American Red Cross, supported heartily here at Chateau Bee Charmer. 

Also remember that the time changes this weekend - an extra hour of sleep on Sunday morning!  Yay!

Stay safe and warm.  Much love and peace to you all.

xxoo

Tonya
Image:  Winter Lights by Elle Moss Photography.

The Weekly Bean

Happy Halloween!!!!

Hearsay

"Later she remembered all the hours of the afternoon as happy -- one of those uneventful times that seem at the moment only a link between past and future pleasure, but turn out to have been the pleasure itself."

F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender is the Night

Image:  The Incredible Lightness No. 4 by Chelsea Victoria.

This Charming Closet

I really, really need some brown boots this year.

Seriously. 

And I really, really like these, the Franco Sarto Navarro Wedge at Nordstrom....

Wednesday - Run Away Without Leaving Home

Happy Halloween!
Image:  Jack O'Lantern by Shannon Blue Photography.

SIngle Girl Questions

I really love Martha Beck.  I generally find Oprah's Magazine overwhelming but Martha Beck always has some words of wisdom that help me.

I really liked this piece, entitled 'The 20 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself.'

The one that made me really stop and think hardest was Number 16: How Can I Keep Myself Absolutely Safe.

'Cause I know that I can't.... and the doing so would kill me just the same - by robbing me of joy.

I know the compulsion to be 'safe' is enticing.  But, really, it would have been safer to stay home (wouldn't it?) than it would have been to get on a plane to see Paris.  It would have been safer to live alone and in complete control (wouldn't it?) than to fall in love and risk my heart.  For that matter, it would have been safer to live in an underground bunker and avoid pollution, noise, falling heavy objects and ultraviolet sunbeams (wouldn't it?) than to have a home with lots of windows and light and corgi fuzz....

There are times when I get sick thinking about all the time I wasted trying to be safe.  And I'm not talking about the time between my 'divorce' and falling in love with The Boy.  That was necessary and productive time.  I wasn't hiding from anything when I was 'single'.  I loved it.  I built a life during those years.  A life that I loved.  A life that I still love but that just so happens to have another, wonderful person in it. In many ways, taking that time for myself was the riskiest thing I did  - because I had to trust it would be OK in the end.

So I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about all the time before that.   The time before I was 33 years old.  All the times that I did the 'right' things - the safe things.  There were so many things that I didn't want to do but felt that I should do.

You can think back on your life and you always know the decisions that you made while you were lying to yourself.

I know, in my heart, all the times that I was playing it safe because I was afraid to live. 

This is not to imply that one should live recklessly, impulsively, rashly or without thought or planning.  But anytime you set foot out your door, you take a risk - whether you want to admit it or not.

And sometimes (many times) the risk is worth the reward.

Safety?  Is there any such thing?  And can you keep yourself 'safe' and lose your soul?  

Image:  Question Mark by Artretroposter.

Tuesday's GIrl

"Beautiful?  It's all a question of luck.  I was born with good legs.  As for the rest... beautiful,  no.  Amusing?  Yes."

Josephine Baker

Tender is the Night

What I'm reading now. 

I read it long ago - in high school.  There's something intriguing about re-reading books you haven't read in a while.  It's new and nostalgic at the same time.

This Charming Handbag

I've been thinking - lately - that I need a smaller bag - especially on the weekend..... 

And then, you know, Coach sent me a coupon and stuff and I started reading the purse blogs on Sunday morning and that really, really, really drove home and impressed upon me my real need for a smaller bag for the weekend and you know one thing lead to another and circumstances being what they are.......................

I feel off the wagon, y'all! 

It's the Legacy Leather Mini Rory bag in carnelian.  I love the color and I love the tassels.

Happy Monday

Happy Monday, everyone.

If you're in the path of this storm, stay safe, dry and warm. 

Our thoughts are going out to all those affected. 

xoxo

Tonya
Image:  Pink Bokeh by Maybe Sparrow Photography.