SIngle Girl Questions

I really love Martha Beck.  I generally find Oprah's Magazine overwhelming but Martha Beck always has some words of wisdom that help me.

I really liked this piece, entitled 'The 20 Questions Every Woman Should Ask Herself.'

The one that made me really stop and think hardest was Number 16: How Can I Keep Myself Absolutely Safe.

'Cause I know that I can't.... and the doing so would kill me just the same - by robbing me of joy.

I know the compulsion to be 'safe' is enticing.  But, really, it would have been safer to stay home (wouldn't it?) than it would have been to get on a plane to see Paris.  It would have been safer to live alone and in complete control (wouldn't it?) than to fall in love and risk my heart.  For that matter, it would have been safer to live in an underground bunker and avoid pollution, noise, falling heavy objects and ultraviolet sunbeams (wouldn't it?) than to have a home with lots of windows and light and corgi fuzz....

There are times when I get sick thinking about all the time I wasted trying to be safe.  And I'm not talking about the time between my 'divorce' and falling in love with The Boy.  That was necessary and productive time.  I wasn't hiding from anything when I was 'single'.  I loved it.  I built a life during those years.  A life that I loved.  A life that I still love but that just so happens to have another, wonderful person in it. In many ways, taking that time for myself was the riskiest thing I did  - because I had to trust it would be OK in the end.

So I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about all the time before that.   The time before I was 33 years old.  All the times that I did the 'right' things - the safe things.  There were so many things that I didn't want to do but felt that I should do.

You can think back on your life and you always know the decisions that you made while you were lying to yourself.

I know, in my heart, all the times that I was playing it safe because I was afraid to live. 

This is not to imply that one should live recklessly, impulsively, rashly or without thought or planning.  But anytime you set foot out your door, you take a risk - whether you want to admit it or not.

And sometimes (many times) the risk is worth the reward.

Safety?  Is there any such thing?  And can you keep yourself 'safe' and lose your soul?  

Image:  Question Mark by Artretroposter.

On Perspective

I follow this guy on Twitter.  He lives in Charlotte, but I don't know him or anything.

He seems to live a very healthy life style.  He's always tweeting about bran, egg whites, running, cross training, hot yoga...  you get the drill.

And mostly, I read his tweets and I think 'Man, Tonya.  You really need to get back with the program."

I have visions of myself, flush and rosy, coming out of hot yoga with a yoga mat under one arm and my muscles rippling.... 

I'm laying on the couch as I type this so you can see where I'm going with that.

So this weekend, I had a bit of an epiphany. 

Well - let's not go straight to epiphany. 

Maybe a flash of insight is a better way of putting it...

This guy, my twitter friend, tweeted that he had gotten up at 7:20 Saturday morning, been out the door by 7:45, run 6 miles, gone to yoga and then eaten a bran muffin with a shot of wheat grass.

And the first thought that came to my mind, unbidden and involuntary was:

"Good for you.  More bacon and vodka for me."

And I meant it, y'all.

Somewhere, I turned a corner and started to accept myself. 

And I'm not sorry.

And when I think "Is my next stop Pudgy-ville?"

Somehow, I don't care so much as long as Pudgy-ville has good coffee and I can sleep in on Saturday.
Image:  Pancake Breakfast by Sunday Kind.

And Now, A Word From the Lost and Confused

"...that sputnik moment that he would aspire Americans to celebrate.... he needs to remember that what happened back then with the former communist U.S.S.R. and their victory in the race to space ... yeah, they won but they also incurred so much debt at the time that it resulted in the inevitable collapse of the Soviet Union."

Sarah Palin

Did y'all know this?

Yeah - nobody else did, either.

The scary thing is that I really think she believes the things that come out of her mouth.

This is what happens when the stupid and voluntarily ignorant are rewarded for being stupid and voluntarily ignorant.

The Age of Innocence

The thing about being young(er) is that you are so sure about the things that you know.  I remember turning 25 and feeling like I had arrived.  I was a grown up.  I felt like I ought to be issued a special I.D. card or a badge or something.  Official Adult.  I knew everything.

Then during the years between 28 and 33 life just kicked me in the teeth and I was left battered and bleeding.

Lost.  Alone.  Unhappy. 

I realize now that I had these ideas in my head that I was sure was reality.  And I thought that my life would roll out before me like a red carpet.  I flitted along waiting for my life to happen to me and I really believed that all I had to do was point myself in the right direction and wait for it all to appear.

Husband.  Babies.  White picket fence.  That was the future that would come and in the meantime, I was young.  I had plenty of time. 

When I was 28 I had no doubt, not one, of what my future would be.

You can imagine my surprise when that didn't happen.  And to have arrived at an age more than 40 and sort of slowly realized that it was never really what I wanted, anyway. 

I'd like to say that turning 40 didn't bother me, but I would be lying.   I used to say (when I was 28) that I would never mind getting older.  I know now that it's easy to think those things when your face is still full of collagen.  40 was harder than I ever could have imagined before I actually got there.

I was happy, but I was in existential crisis, y'all. 

So 40 came and went and I started to think about the next part of my life.  I felt really confident in my ability to be a young woman.  I didn't have a clue about how to be a middle aged one.  And having learned - the hard way - that your life has to be built, not acquired, I was a little concerned about my ability to build forward.

Now 50 is looming on the (still out there, but still) horizon.  The other day I thought about that and almost hyperventilated.

I always assumed that I'd have a husband and a Volvo and be raising children at this point in my life.  But having reached 40 and failed to marry and/or have children, I realized that there aren't a lot of role models for girls like me.  I'm on my own, out here, for the most part.

Thank God for Sex and the City or I'd be completely screwed. 

So if my 20's and 30's were marked by what I thought I knew, my 40's - so far - have been marked by what I don't know.

And when you're me, not knowing is hard.  And it's an ongoing struggle. 

The good news is that my life has gotten better and better as I've gotten older, collagen loss notwithstanding.  There is a lot to be said for age and wisdom and experience.  I would never want anyone to think that I've gotten anything figured out because I don't.  But I do know a few things now that I didn't know then.

I know that I don't know.

For the most part I know what I don't know.

I know how to quiet my mind.   I know never to say what I will or won't do - because you don't know that until you're in it.

I know that judgment is a dangerous thing.   

I know how important kindness is - for myself and others. 

And although it seems pretty shallow, I'm glad the outside is holding up well, at least in the right light.
Image:  Hymnal by Carl Christensen.

I'm Really Confused

I don't understand why the Republicans want government out of every aspect of our lives, except our churches and our bedrooms. 

I suppose it would be OK if the government established a religion, as long as you belonged to the religion the government decided on.  Everybody else would be a little put out.  

And I don't understand how anybody could take this woman seriously. 

I think she might bother me less if I weren't a lawyer, but then I'll never know.....

Image:  Are You Free by Chicalookate.

Free Radicals? What Free Radicals?

I started using this on the recommendation of my dermatologist's office.

I've been using it for several years now and at this point I know 4 things about it.

First, it's expensive.

Second, I have no idea what it really is supposed to be doing for me.  I've actually gone to the Skinceuticals website to try to understand what this actually does - I still don't know.  

Third, since I didn't really know what it was doing, I stopped using it for about 3 weeks this past winter, to disastrous results.

Fourth, I cannot live without it.

Can anyone explain to me why the blocking of free radicals is so important to one's skin?

Heaven

"Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether is should be ours here and now and on this earth."

Ayn Rand

Image:  Paris - The Day's Last Blooms by Broolan Photos.

Feeling Lonely

Did you ever feel lonely in a room full of people?

Sometimes I wish I knew at least one other person who I felt feels the same way I feel.

Sometimes I can't figure out if people don't understand me because I'm not understandable or because I'm inarticulate.  

Sometimes I get incredibly tired of feeling like I'm alone.

I'm sure everyone goes through this from time to time.

I went through it on Wednesday.
Image:  Love that Lily by Hedy Grant Photography.

Progress??

So I was standing in line at the Teeter the other day and I looked over and saw one of these magazines.  You know, the ones with the perfect, skinny women on the cover. 

For the first time, in my life, I didn't have the thought of "Oh, I wish I had her body." 

I thought "Oh, I'd rather be me than have that body.  I'm slim.  I'm healthy.  I make healthy choices.  I don't want to work out two hours a day.  I don't want to be hungry all the time." 

Is this progress or have I started down the slippery slope of letting myself go?