The Single Girl's Guide to Life

I should have called this blog "What I Really Need is Wife" but then I thought that might be sexist.

Being single is hard. Basically, I have to bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, clean up the mess afterward and somehow find the time to get the tires rotated, not to mention the time that goes into hair maintenance. What is a single girl to do?

You have to get yourself a staff. That's right.

A.

Staff.

Right now, I employ the following people, on some level: A hairstylist, a colorist, a nail technician, a facialist, a waxer,a dermatologist, a gynecologist, an optometrist, a dentist and a guy who I go see when I get sinus infections.

I have a dry cleaner, a tailor, a mechanic, some yard guys, a shoe repair person, a framer, a decorator, an upholsterer, and a seamstress.

I have Auto Bell, Stanley Steamer and Express Lube.

I have a personal banker, an investment consultant, a caterer, a printer, a photographer and, that most elusive of all possible staff members, a reliable and trustworthy handyman.

The handyman and the mechanic are the two most valuable players, basically because those are the easiest places to get taken advantage of by the unscrupulous people of the world. However, my facialist is divine, my hairstylist is worth her weight in gold and ya'll, if you don't have a waxer that you can trust, you are in for a world of hurt. That stuff ain't for the faint of heart.

And then there is my colorist. My God! My colorist! The last time I was there I said "I want it blonder and redder, does that make sense?" And he looked at me as only your gay colorist can look at you, with a mixture of annoyance, disdain and absolute understanding and said "Ok, fine." Then he stomped off to "mix up the color" which I think is code for "smoke a cigarette".

I have a shoe guy at Nordstrom,a shoe guy at Bob Ellis, a chick who knows me at Coach and a close, personal relationship with "my" salesman at Crate and Barrel, Scott. Come to think of it, I think Scott may be coming to Christmas dinner this year.

I have a veterinarian and an emergency veterinarian. I have a dog nanny, a dog groomer, a long term boarding facility, a short term boarding facility, a back up short term boarding facility and a back up dog walker.

I also know the best place to go if you need kosher cupcakes, the best jeweler to take your wedding rings so you can have them soldered together (against advice of counsel) and when and why you should bite the bullet and take your stuff to Long's Dry Cleaning.

If you think this list is long, you are absolutely right. It takes a village to keep me, my Beans, my house, my car, my wardrobe and my hair looking and running as smoothly as possible. If you happen to be a girl without a staff, go and start hiring one as soon as humanly possible. And for the love of Pete, the next time your car breaks down, call me before you take it back to the dealership. Those people will rip you off every time.