Part of the reason I started this blog was to discuss the goings on of singlehood after a certain age. I suppose, in the Old South, I would have been relegated to the list of "Spinsters" and volunteer a lot at church and grow tomatoes in the back yard. Almost every girlfriend I have had from high school, college and law school has married and, in most cases, had children. And yet there is something in me that just won't do it.
My best friend tells me that I just haven't met the right guy yet. My mother says "I just don't understand what is wrong with you".
I tried to get married. It didn't work out. After that relationship ended there were years of heartbreak. Not so much because of him. Frankly, I was relieved he was gone. I mourned the failure of it. I mourned the life of normalcy that I would not have. But I also mourned, more than anything, the loss of myself. I lost myself in that relationship. I tried to be what he wanted and in the end he didn't want me in any incarnation and when the door slammed behind him I didn't even have myself to rely on. I literally would pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of my reflection and my mind wouldn't know who it was. I would stop and stare at myself. Trying to see who was there.
I got over it but really, it took a while. I needed to sift through all of it. Ultimately it caused me to become more of myself. I am not the girl who fell in love with that guy. She is gone. I am the woman who survived it and frankly, I like her better. What I came to thereafter is this and not many women will say this out loud but here goes: I like being single. I like it. I like not having to consult with somebody else. I don't like to compromise and I don't like to sleep with other people. (Not sex. Sex is one thing. Sleeping is an entirely different ball of wax.)
Notwithstanding the all of the above, I am trying to date. I think it would be fun to get out of the house sometimes. I am hoping to meet a guy who thinks it would be nice to buy adjoining townhouses and live happily ever after in adjoining homes. If you know a guy like that tell him to email me.