Every Single Thing

In the December 2008 issue of Vogue, Jennifer Aniston quoted someone who said "Everything you want in the world is just right outside your comfort zone. Everythingyoucouldpossiblywant!"
I have given a lot of thought to this idea over the past couple of months.

The truth is, when I was younger I was very, very unhappy. Absolutely hopeless and, often, in despair.

My sadness came to a peak during my relationship with The Love Maker. After the break up, I was sitting on my best friend's couch, sobbing and miserable. She, coincidentally, was going through a divorce at the same time. She said to me "For a long time I was waiting to be married to live my life - I'm not waiting anymore."

That simple statement - quiet and matter of fact - has shaped the past seven years of my life. I decided to stop waiting and live my life. It wasn't very easy. Just because you know what the problem is doesn't mean you know how to fix it, or even where to start. For the three years immediately after the breakup I feel like all I really did was struggle, feeling like I was moving forward but really, I was wandering in circles. I was paralyzed by fear and by doubt. My life was out of control and instead of facing my fears, I hid from them.

Now, looking back, I realize that I was taking many, many small steps toward a better life. I didn't think much of them at the time, but they piled up over the years. I think that what I was doing was busting up all the areas of my life that did not serve me. In addition to all the little steps, I made some big changes. I got out of a relationship with a man who didn't love me and took me for granted. I changed jobs. I went to talk to somebody who helped me put my head on straight. She wasn't easy on me - she really kicked my ass. Thank God for her. I needed it!

Gradually, I took control of my career, my finances...and I let go of all the crap I had been carrying around in my head.

I travelled, I adopted puppies, I bought this house all by myself.

I didn't do it overnight, but I did it. Now I don't feel so afraid anymore, like a leaf being swept up in the current of a river. I feel like I can face anything.

Now I want to move on to the next stage. I want to push myself outside my comfort zone and have everyIcouldpossiblywant. I'll keep you posted on how this goes but you have to remember that my comfort zone is a pretty small space.

I've already started.

This blog is one of my steps. The party I threw last week was another. Expressing my interest in a man that I find interesting and attractive was a third. I'm not quite sure how the man will pan out but it really doesn't matter. I went out on a limb and I feel exhilarated because I made the effort.