Single Girl Wisdom

Advice that I would give to my 15 year old self:

"Trust yourself more and care less about what other people think."

Image:  Proteus, 1984 by Cy Twombly.

Simple Things

LOVED this piece over at Apartment Therapy.

Ten Simple Things to Make You Happier At Home.....

So good! So true!  Making your bed is number one!!!!

Image:  Rock by K Clark Photography.

On Resilience

The June issue of More Magazine had a great article called 'Secrets of the Super Resilient' which I enjoyed very much.

I particularly liked the following passage.  The victim of a shark attack discusses the trauma of the attack and it's aftermath.  Her observations on happiness will stay with me and bear repeating here:

"People love to say that one can choose to be happy.  I was frightened to my core.  I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and the pain meds made me throw up.  I was afraid that [my husband] might think I looked hideous and stop loving me.  I was afraid that if he left me, I would be destitute....  Simple tasks such as dressing myself and inserting contact lenses and preparing food and washing dishes and tying shoes and learning to write with my left hand were overwhelming."

"But she had a strategy, and it involved using her body to control her emotions:  'Every morning when I woke with a cloak of fear and despair around me, I chose to smile.  Sometimes tears were streaming down my face, but I forced my lips into a big smile, and I made a decision to be happy.  It was really powerful.  It was one of the few things I could control.'"

At the heart of all of [her] resilient qualities is an attitude toward life that I've encountered over and over again in the survivors who return to life most successfully after trauma.  One of the first things she ever said to me reveals a great deal about that attitude:  'I'm really lucky.'  She went on: 'I don't regret that this happened to me.  What surprises me is how something so horrific has been such a positive experience in my life.  I would never want my husband or my parents to go through that again, but for me, it was transforming.'"

Every morning, she explains, 'I faced a crossroads.  Had I chosen to give in to despair each time instead of forcing myself to project happiness, I would have slid into self-pity.  Now, no matter what my circumstances are in the future, I know the formula for getting through whatever hits me.  I know I can cope."

I love this.  And I have thought it about myself.

When I think back about the bad stuff in my life I know that I made the choice to get over things, to learn from them and to be happy.

Don't get me wrong, I think I spent a fair number of years (yes, I said years) pitying myself - especially after the divorce.  But ultimately, those bad things PUSHED me to a different and better place.

And now I, too, know that I can cope with anything.

It's an empowering feeling.

Image:  Atlantic Ocean by Glennis Photos. 

 

 

 

Thirty Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

My friend, Sarah, linked to this the other day and I love it!!! Go here and read it!

Such truly good words to make us aware of so many mental habits that really just get in our way.  
Image:  Stop In the Name of Love by Catay.

Now

I have spent most of my adult life feeling like a failure and a fraud.

There.  I said it.

I think maybe lots of people feel this as they are growing into adulthood.  Becoming themselves.

I have been becoming myself for a long, long time.  Still am, I suppose.

A couple of weeks ago, on the day before my birthday, I had a brief moment of - I don't know - clarity?

I was sitting in my car, at a red light, on the way home from work, flipping through some paperwork and I looked over to see a driver in another car looking in at me.

And for that little moment, I saw myself in another way.  For that brief moment, I felt like I had finally, finally become the woman I had dreamed of being when I was a little girl.

A grown up.  Driving a real car.  Living in a real city.  With a good education and a real job.  Wearing good perfume and real diamond earrings (tiny, but real, a gift from my Mom).

I didn't feel like a fake or a fraud or a failure.  I felt like a grownup.  I felt like - myself.

I hope she sticks around for a while.
Image:  She Was Free by Love Wish.

Single Girl Handbag Wisdom

Although I have no empirical evidence to prove this, I have long suspected that civilization as we know it would come to a screeching end if women stopped carrying handbags....

Single Girl Wisdom

For the past few weeks, when I've been thinking about my life, the phrase that keeps coming up is that I'm 'sinking in'. 

Lately, that is what I have felt.  A 'sinking in'. 

Just as you sink in to a hot bath, or a warm bed, or a cool pool of water - sometimes, if you are very lucky and blessed, you can sink in to your own life. 

For a long, long time, I felt very strongly that I was skimming along on the surface, lurking around on the edges, living on top of everything - but I felt like I was missing something. 

But now, I've sunk in. 

And it's so good. 
Image from here.

Single Girl Wisdom

So I thought I'd talk a little bit this week about my little book (which I've talked about before) Victoria Moran's Creating a Charmed Life. 

As I've said before, this is a little 'how to' book that I took to heart and it has sustained me through some hard times over the years and really given me guidance when I needed it most.  It's at once lofty and down to earth.  It's practical and easily digestible and I refer to it again and again.   It has truly, truly assisted me - oftentimes when I've felt the most lost. 

One of my favorite chapters is called "Play Your Free Square". 

Ms. Moran believes that just as all Bingo players get to play the "Free Square" so, too in life, everybody has certain abilities, aptitudes and talents that they are just naturally good at - free squares, if you will.  Since everybody in Bingo sort of takes the Free Square for granted, she believes that we, in life, take our 'Free Squares' for granted.  Some things are just naturally easy for each of us and we tend not to think much of them, whether it's singing or math or cooking or whatever.  And because we take these things for granted, we don't utilize them to our full advantage. 

As I said, one of the things I love about this book is that it gives you concrete little lessons in living a better life and I've taken most of them to heart.  I love to play my free squares.  

Most notably to me, and the free square I play to my greatest assistance, is the one I usually play at work. 

I think you all know that lawyering is not always very easy for me.  It's stressful.  And I have a lot of balls to keep in the air.  Sometimes (or maybe I should say often) I feel overwhelmed. 

Since being a lawyer is sort of crazy - oftentimes my desk and office will look like some sort of file cabinet explosion.  Files stacked everywhere.  Correspondence.  Emails.  Voicemails.  Paperwork.  

And messes absolutely stress me out. 

But I'm really good at organizing. 

So - when I'm feeling overwhelmed and crazy and full of anxiety at work I stop whatever I'm doing and play my free square and spend a few minutes organizing the mess. 

It certainly doesn't result in less work or make what needs to be done any easier. 

But it makes me feel better. 

And as the mess becomes organized, my stress and anxiety drop and my ability to concentrate and focus becomes easier. 

That little trick makes my life easier and more charmed. It helps me be a better lawyer.  It helps me stay sane and maintain control when I want to throw up my hands and hide under the bed. 

Pretty cool, huh? 

The first time I consciously tried this was at my old job (where I was unhappy) and I just didn't think I could go on for one more minute.  I had just read this book and I thought 'Well, I'm good at organizing, so I'll organize this mess.' 

So I did. 

And I felt better and then I got some work done. 

I thought 'I am really on to something here.' 

So there's one of my little tricks to leading a happier life - I play my free squares with joy. 

What about y'all?  Have you played your free squares today?
Image:   Bingo Through the Magnifier by Jessa Mae Photography.

One Thing I Know

You know how Oprah has a list of things she knows "for sure"?

I really like to read them.  I think they're really incisive and her opinion has really helped me have - what I believe - is a better, happier life.

But I don't know if I 'know' all the things that she 'knows'.  

You know what I mean?

But over the years I have had some rough spots.  And I'm enormously grateful for them because they have provided me the learning opportunities and moved me forward to a better place.

And from my failures and struggles I have come up with one thing that I know for sure - and here it is in all it's profound glory -

You will never find happiness comparing yourself to other people. 

Somebody's always going to be thinner, be prettier, have a more fabulous looking life. 

And if you are competing with them - especially in your own head - where, let's face it, you can't win anyway - you are going to be miserable. 

Focus on yourself.  What you want.  Own the decisions that you make.  And move on with yourself.

That's just all there is.
Image:  No. 1 Paris Doors by Retrospect Photo.

Public Service Announcement

Ok - so here's the thing:

I am a crazy, do it right now, check-three-times-before-I-go-to-bed door locker.  I lock every door behind me right after I come in the house.  And I double check it to make sure.

You are all going to think that I'm completely paranoid and/or crazy, but I don't care.  And you may also think I'm telling you something that you already know but I'm going to say it anyway:

Lock your damn doors.

I'll say it again:  Lock your damn doors!

I'm talking about your back doors, your storm doors and your basement doors.  And I'm talking about locking them all the time.  And I mean go do it right now.  And if you're not sure if it's locked, go check it.  And if you have a lock and a deadbolt, lock both of them. 

Did you know that last year the president of the student body at UNC Chapel Hill was brutally murdered by two psychopaths?  Well, she was.  They came into her home in the middle of the night and then they murdered her after they took her out and made her withdraw the money from her bank account.  They pushed her out of the car in the middle of an intersection and blew her head off with a shotgun.

They walked in through an unlocked door.

Have you been following the murder trial in Connecticut involving the Petit family?  Those monsters walked into their house through an unlocked basement door.

A few years ago a young woman in Clemson, South Carolina was raped and murdered in her apartment.   The guy followed her home from jogging and just followed her into her home.  She didn't lock the door behind her.

And the anchorwoman in Little Rock who was raped and beaten to death in her bed - the guy walked in through a door she left open for her dogs.  

So if you're home,  lock your doors.  Lock them now.  Lock all of them.  And your windows, too.  Lock them behind you when you walk in the house.  Don't wait and do it later.  Don't think it won't matter. 

Don't make it easy for anyone to come in and hurt you.

Unfortunately, those people are out there, even in the safest neighborhoods.

Dr. Petit was on Oprah last week.  I have never seen a more pitiful, absolutely broken person.  He told her he ran through all the 'what ifs' in his head.  When she asked him what the 'what ifs' were, he said "What if someone had just slid that latch shut (on the basement door)".

So take care of yourselves.  Please.  Lock your doors. 
Image:  Doorknob by Jennopolis.

On Living

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Image:  Vintage Baby Dress 1970 by Swan Valley.

On Being Happy

"Sometimes the most urgent thing you can possibly do is take a complete rest."

Ashleigh Brilliant

Image:  Stepping Into Fall by Kristin Reyer Designs.

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

People say she's crazy

She's got diamonds on the soles of her shoes

Well, that's one way to loose these walking blues

 Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

Image:  Sparkly Shoes by Librarianguish.
Song Lyric:  Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes by Paul Simon

On Becoming

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

e e cummings

Image:  Love Heart by Photographic Passions.

Single Girl Wisdom

You know, I've never heard anybody say:

"That would've tasted a lot better if you hadn't put so much butter in it."

Think about it......
Image:  Butter by Liberty Images.

The Aquisition of Discretion

I was not born with a great deal of discretion, so it came as a bit of a revelation when it was suggested to me that it is an asset that may be acquired.  Like my natural tendency to worry, my lack of discretion seemed like a flaw I was doomed to live with.  The problem with these "flaws" is that we are aware of them and the toll they take on our happiness.  But when something is as natural to you as breathing, it doesn't really occur to you that you can change it.  And when you realize that you actually can change things you don't like, it's very empowering. 

Several years ago, after the divorce, I was shopping at Paper Skyscraper, a little shop in Charlotte that makes one feel hopeful, and I found a little self-help book called "Creating a Charmed Life" by Victoria Moran.  Now, I should say that I don't put a lot of stock in self-help books, but I have to say that this little book changed my life.  Don't get me wrong, I changed my life, with a lot of hard work and the desire to change, but this book provided a road map and often, when I really needed it most, a pep talk and a reassurance that I could build the life I wanted, that I needed.  Part of it's greatness is that it breaks down the elements of happiness into short, easily digestible chapters. 

One of the most revelatory chapters in this little book discusses the acquisition of discretion.  I think about it almost every day.  Before I read it, I'm not sure that I could have articulated the amount of distress that I caused myself by running my mouth or by the mental acrobatics that went on in my head while my mouth was running.  And I revealed too much.  Partly, I think I did it out of nervousness, out of unease in my own skin, out of a desire to ingratiate myself to others, out of a misguided belief that I should be "honest" with whoever I was speaking to, whether they asked for or deserved complete candor from me or not.  I also used to feel that I had to be absolutely "honest" with everyone and I felt that a conscious decision not to reveal something was somehow wrong. 

Now, I feel almost completely in control of the words that come out of my mouth.  If I say something now, the odds are that I know exactly what I'm saying and that there is a reason why I'm saying it.  Moreover, the idea that I can decide exactly what to say or reveal has been incredibly liberating.  Several years ago, the idea that I could sit, smile, nod and not reveal anything that I was thinking was unthinkable to me.  Yet I do it now, all the time.

Yesterday, I had a business meeting with a colleague whom I have known for a while and who I like.  We had some time to kill and he began to tell me about how he had attended the Glenn Beck "Take Back America" rally in D.C. last weekend.  Frankly, I was horrified.   But my colleague's political leanings (and for that matter, mine) are not the point of this post.  One of the decisions I made when I began to acquire discretion was that I would not discuss my politics, my faith or my personal "ACC Hierarchy of Hatred" at work or with people I didn't know well.  In my opinion, nothing good can come of it.

So I listened politely while my colleague told me all about Glenn Beck and limited my comments to questions about his accommodations, the number of people on the metro and the route he chose to drive home. 

I think about discretion a lot when I choose what to write in this blog.  I am concerned with revealing too much of myself, just as I am concerned with revealing anything about my friends and my family.

I have, after much struggle, found my way to solid ground in my own quiet and precious life.  There are those who know the whole, sordid tale; there are those who know bits and pieces.  The decisions I make about who to let in and to what extent are made with thought and regard to those things about which I am no longer willing to negotiate -my home, my work, my friendships and my Beans.  The acquisition of discretion has allowed me to navigate the world with more comfort and control and respect - both from myself and I think, from others.   I feel safer, I feel better able to protect my life.  I feel more content in all my relationships.

Discretion itself seems to be falling in popularity here in America.  Teenagers reveal every aspect of their lives on Facebook; celebrities and others air their dirty laundry and petty grievances on Twitter.  Some bloggers have blogged about the intimate details of every aspect of their lives (and the lives of their families and coworkers) and become famous for it, but at what price?  It seems that some people are willing to sell any shred of themselves for any type of celebrity or money available from the highest bidder and that's a shame.  I think something has been lost along the way.

The thing that I do know is what I have gained as I've gained discretion.  And I'm happy to know, in the only place that it's important, that it's not for sale. 
Image:  Lillian Bassman

Bless My Heart

I have been asked by a charming reader to comment on the southern propensity to bless the hearts of others.

I view this request with some amount of trepidation.  Not that I don't know how to bless hearts or when to do it, but explaining it, in writing, is a whole other thing.

But I'll try.

Let me begin by saying that, generally, there are three distinct situations in which a southerner may bless another person's heart.  They can be roughly classified as "Sympathy" "Sniping" and "Pity". 

First, there are situations where someone that you know or love truly needs your love and support.  In these situations, we may look deeply at our friend and bless that person's heart in a truly heartfelt and sympathetic way.  I'll give you an example:

Charming friend:  "I got yelled at by my boss, my computer crashed, I gained 5 pounds and now my cable's out!!"

Me:  "Bless your heart."

It's important to get the "Sympathy Bless Your Heart" out of the way and to know right up front that there are sincere times to use it and doing otherwise would be unthinkable.

But these times are not the fun times to bless someone's heart.  And really, those times are not the point of this post.  

The next two examples of blessing hearts are really intrinsic to the true ways of the South.  In a society that is somewhat romanticized for it's manners, the art of the back handed insult often reaches a certain level of deliciousness and the blessing of hearts is a great example of this art form.

In our second example, the "Sniping Bless Your Heart" you just want to say something mean or ugly about somebody but you don't want to burn in hell for it.  Fortunately, you can do this as long as you bless that person's heart.

I will give you some examples:

"Can you believe that that stupid girl is going to marry Skeeter Morgan?  He ain't nothing but stomp down sorry!  And she is too stupid to live!  Bless her heart."

"That check out girl over at the Piggly Wiggly is so bucktoothed she could eat apples through a picket fence.  Bless her heart."

"Well, it's not really that she's ugly.  It's just that she's, well, she's just so plain.  Bless her heart."

You get the drift.  The "Sniping Bless Your Heart" is great when talking about the girl who married your old boyfriend and then gained 50 pounds - bless her heart.  Or your next door neighbor's uppity daughter who went off to college and got so drunk she fell down a flight of steps and now she's in traction for 3 months and will miss cheerleading tryouts - bless her heart.   Or their son.  You know, the one who couldn't get into Carolina and then decided to become a mortician?  Bless his heart.  Basically, anything mean you want to say about somebody else can be said without consequence as long as you bless that person's heart. 

The third instance, the "Pity Bless Your Heart", is sort of a hybrid of the other two.  You use this when you are saying something ugly, but not in a snide way.  Or you may use it to comment on a socially embarrassing or even mortifying situation that you know of - but are not involved in.  You are, you believe, speaking a truth, which may be hurtful but needs to be said.    You can also throw this one in when you just don't have anything else you can say.  This one is a little trickier because head tilts and nuance of voice are very important and can often convey more than the actual words you are saying.  Basically, you are conveying pity, and you are not doing it in a good way.  Fortunately, the "Bless Your Heart" makes you unassailable - as in:  (And this is an actual conversation I overheard in the ladies room of an expensive restaurant)

"Is it true?"

"Yes.  I was standing there waiting for the reception and one of the bridesmaids came walking by carrying this large basin and I heard her say to another guest 'It's for Ashley.  She's gonna wash Ben's feet.'" 

*long pause while both stood, flabbergasted and reliving the horror -then finally*

"Bless her heart!"

(From what I could gather Ben and Ashley were the newly married couple and foot washing (although Biblically sanctioned) was frowned upon during uppity wedding receptions at Myers Park Methodist Church.  The actual "Bless her heart" was not directed at Ashley - but at the Groom's mother - who was not the least bit happy about Ashley's decision to kneel on the ground, in her wedding gown, in front of others, and become subservient to her husband in front of *literally* God and everybody....)

I actually caught myself using this one just yesterday when talking about an unfortunate young man who is on trial in Charlotte for murdering two police officers without provocation and in cold blood.  In my opinion, there really isn't any middle ground.  He is either crazy or just as mean as cat shit, because nobody walks up behind two cops and shoots them in the head for no apparent reason and with no plan of escape.  And he may very well be crazy - but I think he's gonna fry....bless his heart.

The "Pity Bless Your Heart" is also good when talking about distant family members who will never amount to anything - bless their hearts.   Or the nasty little shit of a guy who used to pick on you and throw things at you on the school bus and who's now in jail for felony drunk driving - bless his heart.  Or, you know, Rachel Zoe, who just needs to eat something, anything - bless her heart.  Or your tacky co-worker who's bottle job didn't turn out quite right - bless her heart.

And just in case y'all doubt my ability to do this to myself, just let me tell you that there are times that I am so at the end of my rope that I bless my OWN heart.

My ex once told me I couldn't do that.  But there are a lot of things he didn't think I should do, which is why he's now somebody else's problem.  Bless her heart. 
Image:  Eat Your Heart Out by T. J. Toubeaux.

The Secret of Life

Everything matters.

Image:  Blue Like the Sea by Yvette Inufio Photography.

A Helpful Hint...

If you're having a little informal party and you need to serve a little something sweet, get a bag of M & Ms and put them out in a pretty bowl.

Everybody loves M & Ms.  They can't help it.  And it's hard not to have fun when you're eating a handful of M & Ms. 

I'm just sayin'.

String Cheese Mistake

Y'all, this is what good cheese looks like. 

I am not here to talk about good cheese.  I am here to talk about acceptable cheese and that which cannot be eaten. 

I've been buying string cheese lately to snack on.  It's filling, it's good for me, it's portable and I need the calcium. 

Last week, I did something stupid, and when faced with a choice, I picked the string cheese made with 2% milk. 

In a word:  Blech. 

I had to throw it in the garbage.  It was vile.  It was like eating bad plastic. 

Let this be a lesson to you all.  Get the low sodium.  Pass by low-fat cheese.  And while we're at it, pass by the low fat mayonnaise and the low fat ranch dressing.....  Wait a minute, that's a whole other blog post.
Image:  French Cheese by Fab Prab Photos.