On Truth

'The armor of falsehood is subtly wrought out of darkness, and hides a man not only from others, but from his own soul.'

E. M. Forster, A Room With A View

Image:  Chairs by Laura Evans.

On Living

I found this over at Vogue and Coffee....

Just when I really, really needed to hear it. 
Image from here.

God is Good

Image from here.

On Dreaming A Little Dream

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world."

Oscar Wilde

Image:  Striped Tulip by The Sunflower Gallery.

I Failed! And I Didn't Even Cry!

I just have to start out by telling you all that I am so excited and proud of this post!  It may be one of my favorite things ever. 

I had a big failure in the last couple of weeks of December.

As I mentioned before, I applied for the local Bar's leadership institute.  It was a big deal to me.  I wanted to do it and I tried my very best. 

The main (and biggest) reason I applied it was because I really wanted to participate.  This wasn't just an exercise for me.  I was really hoping to get picked.

But a close second reason for applying is that it scared me to even think about trying to do it.

Asking my boss if I could apply scared me.  Filling out the application and drafting my resume scared me.  Asking my boss and former bosses for recommendations scared me.  Having my head shot taken scared me.

Facing all those fears, one by one, exhilarated me!

And here's the thing:  When I started this whole thing, I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to be accepted - getting in is a very competitive and political thing - and I'm neither.  But I felt that I have something to offer, so I tried.  But I went into this thing knowing that there was a VERY big possibility of failure.

And here's the even bigger thing:  I tried anyway!

You have no idea how proud I am to say that.  The entire process was a victory for me.  Confronting each of my individual fears was important.  Confronting my biggest fears - rejection, failure, disappointment - was enormous.

You see, I'm a recovering perfectionist.  For 95% of my life, I have made it my business to succeed and have studiously avoided the situations where I thought I'd fail.  There was a time when I couldn't have taken it.

But I did this knowing fully that failure was definitely on the table. 

In the middle of December, I got the letter that I hadn't been accepted.  And you know, it stung for a moment.  I was disappointed.  But it only lasted for a moment.  And then I went right back to what I was doing and I didn't think about it again. 

There were no tears.  No self-abuse.  No rehashing of what I did wrong or could have done better.  I did my best.  I threw my hat in the ring.  I didn't get picked.  I moved on.  I didn't get picked but I still got to go home that night and get kissed by two Beans.  My life is/was still pretty wonderful.

It's such an enormous thing for me to be able to tell y'all about this!

I failed!!!  And I didn't come undone! 

And the most wonderful thing is that the exhilaration that came from trying obliterated the sting of not succeeding.  How I wish I'd known this before! My 'failure' turned out to be a huge accomplishment for me.

It's just the most amazing thing. 

And it's made me want to try other things.  Big and small things.

It's made me want to learn to substitute the word 'scared' for the word 'excited'. 

This year, I'm really going to try.

And I think I'm gonna succeed.  And even if I don't, I'll have enjoyed it.
Image:  Fail by Sunshiined via wehearit.com.

2011 Resolutions

 

As I think I may have said last year - but maybe not - I don't really believe in 'resolutions'  - as it were.  

It seems like people always come up with some insurmountable list of stuff with the purpose of transforming themselves into a whole other person.  

You can't do that. 

But I do believe that you are what you make of yourself - to a very large extent.  

I am happy to say that one of the great things about 'the divorce' is that afterwards - I just decided that I couldn't go on as I was.  I had to figure out how to deal with the stuff I didn't want anymore and how to accept the rest of it.  It was hard but it's made all the difference in my life.  

Now, I just want to keep getting better.  To that end, I've come up with a little list of things to pursue this year.  We can call them resolutions but I think they're more like goals and hopes.  So - here they are:

1.  Read more books.  I do this one just about every year to some extent.  This year, I've reviewed Time Magazine's list of the 100 Greatest Novels and I am sad and embarrassed to report that I've only read, like, 7 of them.  So I've selected 12 (one per month) and I'm going to give you the list later this week.

2.  Watch more TV.  I know, I know.   Most people have the opposite of this as a resolution, right?  It may be better to say that I want to watch more 'quality' TV.  When you live alone, the TV is a great comfort sometimes.  It's nice to have the noise.  Lately, I've noticed that I often will just have it on without really watching it or being interested in it.  I should be doing something else.  So I've decided to watch more movies.  I haven't watched many movies since I saw 'Saving Private Ryan' 10 years ago.  Man, that movie knocked me for a loop!  Ruined me!  In pursuit of this - I've reviewed AFI's list of the 100 greatest movies ever made.  I've seen 47 of them.  I have selected 12 more (1 for each month) and my goal is to watch 1 per month.  Cool, right?  I'm looking forward to it.  I'll give you the full list - later this week.

3.  Eat better.  Again, it happens every year.  Somehow, though, it feels a little different this year.  I really enjoy cooking and I don't do it too much.  So I'm going to cook more and eat better this year.  Especially more fruits and vegetables.  And good bread and good cheese.  And hummus.  Lots and lots of hummus.  Maybe I'll even learn to make my own.  

4.  Work out more.  Really.  I miss feeling fit.  And I'm soooo flabby right now.  I'm going to start getting the most out of my membership at the Y.  

5.  Learn to wear jeans like Rachel Bilson.  Seriously, she is so good at jeans.  I want to emulate her.  I want to really learn to work my jeans.  I want to become known for it. 

6.  Learn to accessorize.  I'm not good at accessories.  For most of my life I've had this 'minimalism' goal and I'm still there.  Lately, though, I've felt unfinished and frankly, bored.  I want to be more pulled together.  I'm going to work on it.  

7.  More stamps in my passport.  I'm so EXCITED about his goal.  And I feel like I can make it happen!

8.  Drink more.  Also, I perennial favorite resolution.  I come back to it every year.  I'm putting it in a little because I want to drink more but also because it's a little nostalgic.  

9.  Do more things that scare me.  My shrink says that I need to change the word 'scare' in my mind to 'excite'.  What I say 'scares' me is often something that 'excites' me.  I want to do this more.  

10.  Be a tourist in my own life.  Think about how different your life would be if you acted like a tourist in your own life.  If you ate at different restaurants, took in some shows, sought out new favorite places, walked around town with your camera and just took pictures of everything.  I want to do this more this year.  I'm sort of excited to try it.  

So there they are.  Ten goals for the year.  Ten steps to being a happier Tonya.  

What about y'all?  Are we making any cool resolutions?  Do tell. 

Image:  2 1/2 Months to New Years Resolutions by Justine via weheartit.com.

Feeling Thankful

Of course, this time of year, we all take a moment to consider that for which we are thankful.

Although I thank God for all these things every day, I thought I'd take a moment to tell y'all what I'm particularly thankful for, both today and everyday -

• My family and my darling friends
• My precious, precious Beans 
• My home
• My health
• My job and my health insurance
• Dr. I - who saved my life
• The moon and all the stars

Now, having said this, I am also particularly thankful for some not so big stuff and I try to be thankful for as many teeny tiny things as possible.  These include -

• The hot water in the the hot water heater
• A full pot of coffee every morning
• My bed, my sheets, my pillows and my coverlet - I am the most thankful-for-my-bed person you'll ever meet
• My lightbulbs (seriously, I'm very thankful for them)
• Clean towels in my closet
• A full tank of gas in the car
• My blanket - it's actually a comforter from J.C. Penney that I bought when I was in law school and I love it
• fig newtons in the cupboard

I hope everyone will take a moment and give thanks for all the good things in your life - both the big things and the little things.  It is by focusing on what we have that we find happiness.

xo - Tonya
Image:  Heart Strings by Moonlight Photography.

On Joy

"I do it for the joy it brings, 'cause I'm a joyful girl.  'Cause the world owes us nothing, we owe each other the world."

Ani DiFranco

Image:  Run by Lola's Room Photography.

On Living

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

Nelson Mandela

Image:  Hearts of Fire by Moonlight Photography. 

On Being Happy

"I imagine that yes is the only living thing."

e e cummings

Image:  Happy Friday by Lori H.

On Being Happy

"Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly you'll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest, or bitterest hour of your life."

Pablo Neruda

Image:  Autumn Gold by Raceytay.

On Truth

"Truth is something which can't be told in a few words.  Those who simplify the universe only reduce the expansion of it's meaning."

Anais Nin

Image:  Abstract of Slinky by Bushbb Photography.

On Being Happy

"One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats."

Iris Murdoch

Image:  Treats Galore by Liberty Images.

The Theory of Discipline

I've been thinking a lot about discipline lately.

When I was younger, I thought that things just happened to me.  I was born with a propensity to be thin.  I was born with a certain amount of intellect.  I was born with good hair and good skin and good teeth and good legs.  I was thin and pretty and got good grades.  These things, in my mind, just happened to me.

The fact of the matter is that we are all born with certain assets, certain talents, certain tendencies.  It is up to us, however, to decide what we will do with those things and how we will use them to live our lives. 

In my mind, the difference between being a successful person and not lies in the word 'discipline'.  Katharine Hepburn once said that without discipline, there is no life at all.  And I think she was right. 

The truth is that discipline is not fun.  It's not easy.  It's not quick or convenient.  Discipline is often tiresome and many times it is unpleasant. 

For these reasons, 'discipline' has become an ugly word.  When you say the word 'discipline' it conjures up images of spankings, or standing on the fence at lunch; multiplication tables and Brussels sprouts. Sitting still when you'd rather not.  Saying no when you'd really like to say yes.

Like I said, it's not fun. 

But there is no one, no where, who succeeds without discipline.  Consistent, committed discipline in everything, from cleaning the house, to paying the bills to returning your emails, to sitting on the cold, dirty garage floor towel drying your sopping wet, uncooperative corgis, to vacuuming up after said corgis so that your rugs and your carpets and your furniture will not be destroyed by their hair and their dirty feet.   

I want to be disciplined.  It is a quality that I admire in others and that I crave for myself.  I have both succeeded and failed in it's pursuit and really, it's more of a journey than a destination.   But for the past 6 or 7 years, I've consciously devoted myself to it.  And that has made all the difference in my life. 

I have an acquaintance who describes himself, first and foremost as 'fun-loving".  He's a fun-loving guy.  He's uneducated (by choice), under employed, perpetually strapped for cash, stuck in a dead end job that he disparages but that he's damn lucky to have, living in his parent's basement and looking for love in all the wrong places.  He's good looking and I think he hitched all his dreams to that wagon.  But being pretty will not sustain you and since he doesn't have the discipline to take care of himself, even his looks are fading fast.  He doesn't understand why successful, attractive women don't want him; after all he's pretty and he's so much fun. 

It would be different if Mr. Fun were happy.  But he's not.  He's so not happy. 

I thought about him the other day and I'm sure he'd say that he has no use for discipline, but we already knew that.  Or maybe he thinks he has it, but really, he doesn't.   He's too busy having fun to work hard for something else.  And it never occurs to him (at least not that I can tell) that this is why he's so dissatisfied with his life.  He thinks I fell ass-backwards into the life I have; I don't think it really occurs to him that I've worked for it. That my nose was in a book while he trekked to every beer soaked beach weekend he could get an invite to; that my salary is commensurate with the enormous amount of responsibility that I have.  That I actually clean my own house.   

I don't mean to put down having fun.  We all want to have fun.  But when 'fun' is all you have, then you have a problem.  I hope this post doesn't read as me putting down my acquaintance or tooting my own horn.  I fail (often miserably) at my best efforts to be disciplined.  But I try.  And my observations about my acquaintance were brought on by his continual unhappiness and I have no desire to judge or hurt him.  I only wish for him to find what he's looking for,  it's just that I don't think that he will.  At least not on his present course. 

My point is this:  Getting my law degree was not fun.  Getting up and going into my office when I'd rather stay in my warm bed on cold winter mornings isn't fun.  Biting my tongue when dealing with clients isn't fun.  Walking the Beans in the driving, freezing rain isn't fun.  Saying no to Christian Louboutin because I have to say yes to Citimortgage isn't fun (and sometimes it's downright painful).  Two bites of dessert isn't nearly as fun as seconds.
 
But the law degree pays for what goes on around here, as does the job that I'm so blessed to have, and the clients who sometimes annoy me.  And the Beans have their own rewards.  And as good as dessert is, it's just as good to feel good about myself and to feel healthy.  And as much as I love a good shoe, I love my home so much more.  It is my dream come true.  And yes, sweet readers, the discipline, as much as anything else, has made all the difference.

Since I wish true happiness for everyone, I think I also wish them discipline.  Now if only Hallmark will come out with a card.....
Image:  Swing by JP Greenwood.