I Failed! And I Didn't Even Cry!

I just have to start out by telling you all that I am so excited and proud of this post!  It may be one of my favorite things ever. 

I had a big failure in the last couple of weeks of December.

As I mentioned before, I applied for the local Bar's leadership institute.  It was a big deal to me.  I wanted to do it and I tried my very best. 

The main (and biggest) reason I applied it was because I really wanted to participate.  This wasn't just an exercise for me.  I was really hoping to get picked.

But a close second reason for applying is that it scared me to even think about trying to do it.

Asking my boss if I could apply scared me.  Filling out the application and drafting my resume scared me.  Asking my boss and former bosses for recommendations scared me.  Having my head shot taken scared me.

Facing all those fears, one by one, exhilarated me!

And here's the thing:  When I started this whole thing, I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to be accepted - getting in is a very competitive and political thing - and I'm neither.  But I felt that I have something to offer, so I tried.  But I went into this thing knowing that there was a VERY big possibility of failure.

And here's the even bigger thing:  I tried anyway!

You have no idea how proud I am to say that.  The entire process was a victory for me.  Confronting each of my individual fears was important.  Confronting my biggest fears - rejection, failure, disappointment - was enormous.

You see, I'm a recovering perfectionist.  For 95% of my life, I have made it my business to succeed and have studiously avoided the situations where I thought I'd fail.  There was a time when I couldn't have taken it.

But I did this knowing fully that failure was definitely on the table. 

In the middle of December, I got the letter that I hadn't been accepted.  And you know, it stung for a moment.  I was disappointed.  But it only lasted for a moment.  And then I went right back to what I was doing and I didn't think about it again. 

There were no tears.  No self-abuse.  No rehashing of what I did wrong or could have done better.  I did my best.  I threw my hat in the ring.  I didn't get picked.  I moved on.  I didn't get picked but I still got to go home that night and get kissed by two Beans.  My life is/was still pretty wonderful.

It's such an enormous thing for me to be able to tell y'all about this!

I failed!!!  And I didn't come undone! 

And the most wonderful thing is that the exhilaration that came from trying obliterated the sting of not succeeding.  How I wish I'd known this before! My 'failure' turned out to be a huge accomplishment for me.

It's just the most amazing thing. 

And it's made me want to try other things.  Big and small things.

It's made me want to learn to substitute the word 'scared' for the word 'excited'. 

This year, I'm really going to try.

And I think I'm gonna succeed.  And even if I don't, I'll have enjoyed it.
Image:  Fail by Sunshiined via wehearit.com.