A Little Side Trip to Brazil

Ladies - Summer is upon us and with it's warmer temperatures and trips to the water and pool, many of us will be back in our bathing suits and considering the issue of bikini line control...

But most of that's really just bullshit and I'm just using this season and this excuse to talk about the subject of the brazilian bikini wax.

Now before all you people who haven't had one get all - you know - up in the air about it, let's take a moment, shall we?  (You people who've already been to Brazil - you'll know what I'm talkin' about.)

I first went to Brazil a few years back.  It was winter and I had the blahs and I wanted to challenge myself to go something that scared me a little, that pushed me a little out of my comfort zone - something that was at once relatively safe and yet frightened me.  Something that I would never do.

And I must have been reading a magazine or something because the subject of the brazilian bikini wax came to my mind. 

Now, up until that point, I figured the brazilian was something undertaken by porn stars, trollops and Gwyneth Paltrow.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that something about the idea of doing it revved me up inside a little bit.  It made me a little scared.  It made me a little apprehensive.  And it occurred to me that maybe that feeling of apprehension and 'sort of fear' might also be classified as excitement.

I wanted to see if I could do it!

So with trembling fingers I called my local spa and made an appointment and then did a little internet research on the topics of what to expect, how to prepare and possible supplies to lay in.

What I came up with was

• Yes, it'll hurt.
• No, it won't be that bad.
• Take a few advil before you go.
• Don't schedule it right before your period - when you're move sensitive to pain.
• Balmex (or other diaper rash medicine) soothes your girl afterward.  

So off I went, expecting extreme pain, embarrassment, mortification and that I would be able to say I did it once and that I would never, ever do it again.

I was wrong.

It really doesn't hurt that much - although I will say that after the first time she was pissed off with me for a day and a half... But the balmex did help.

And it really wasn't that mortifying/embarrassing because if you've been to the gynecologist, there ain't a whole lot about this that will surprise you.

But I pretty much loved it from the start.

Now here's the hard part:  trying to explain what there is to love about it.

First, obviously, men love it.  Although I had mine for a long time before The Boy came along, the fact that he likes it and pretty much thumps his foot on the ground at the mere mention of the word 'Brazil' certainly doesn't hurt.

But more than that, most importantly, I love it. 

It makes me feel sexy.  It makes me feel neat and powerful and in control.  It makes me feel like I have a secret underneath all my lawyer clothes. 

It's been such a huge surprise. 

I've been after one of my friends to go try it for years.  Years, I tell you. 

Well, she finally went (with a certain amount of the expected trepidation) and after one trip she was firmly converted. 

I said "It's great, right?!?!?"  And she's like "YES!" 

But neither one of us can quite explain why. 

So if you're looking for a little challenge this spring, why not give it a go?  And if you can articulate more fully on just what, exactly, is so great about the brazilian, please do!

Pancake Dreams

Monday night I dreamed I was having a party.

I had a chef serving people at one of those serving stations.

The choices were:

Banana - Nutella Crepes

Chocolate Chip Pancakes

Chapter 7 Bankruptcy

I've been practicing law too long....
Image from here.

The Post Where Tonya Whines A Lot

I dropped my car off on Tuesday morning and they told me it would be ready on Wednesday at 3:30 or so.

Do you think that happened?

Um, no.  That did not happen.  Now they think it will be Friday.

Now, I knew when they told me that it would be ready on Wednesday that it would not happen.  But I maintained positive thoughts.  I was zen Tonya.

But when they called me with the news, I degenerated into 3 year old, pouting Tonya.  And Walter, the car guy, talked to me exactly like I was 3 years old ....

"You don't want us to rush on something like this and have it not be right, do you?"

No I don't want you to rush, but I want my car back NOW damn it!

I didn't say that, though.  But internally, I was slinging a fit. Internally, I was quite a sight.

You know, I've been really non-committal about the Infiniti up until now.  I kept telling myself (and others) that after the lease was up that I was going to 'go back' to something less fancy.

Well, darling readers, I have a Toyota Yaris rental car out there and I am here to tell you - you can't go back.

pout pout pout

whine whine whine

snivel snivel snivel

Please don't feel bad if you don't feel sorry for me.  Nobody else does, either.  But I just thought I would share my trauma.

So, my darling friend felt a tiny little teensy bit sorry for me and agreed to go to the mall with me after work to visit the handbags.  That usually makes me feel better.

We went by Neiman to visit the really nice bags - whereupon I met the Saffiano Lux Tote by Prada. 

Heavy sigh....

It occurs to me that I might be able to arguably buy it if I didn't have to pay for the car.
Image:  Better Car Care by Ydnar Imaging.

How Easy is That? Maybe A Little Too Easy.

I'm not sure if I've told y'all that I love the Barefoot Contessa.  I think she's got a great attitude about entertaining and her dishes are approachable and easily prepared.

Normally, I wouldn't question her choices but I saw a new episode this weekend and I just cannot get over it.

She was asked by her friend, Mariska Hargitay (of Law and Order:SVU) to donate a lunch for 6 to a charity auction for one of Mariska's charities.

Ina said "Sure!".

They had the auction and these 6 people paid $100,000.00 for this lunch.

One Hundred Thousand Dollars......

Cool, right?

And Ina makes them.......... Macaroni Salad.

Huh?

I mean when she says "How easy is that?"  I kind of think maybe for that price it should have been a little bit harder.

She made them cucumber soup, macaroni salad and a desert that she called "Eton Mess" which was store bought macaroons, whipped cream and raspberries in parfait glasses.  And they had to put the dessert together themselves because that was more 'fun'. 

Now - I should say that she put a couple of shrimp in the cucumber soup (to make it "luxurious" she said) and lobster (which she bought pre-cooked) in the macaroni salad but still.... it was macaroni salad.

1/2 lb of shrimp and 2 pounds of lobster.  To me, that's just a little skimpy for $100,000.00.

She's made Beef Bourguignon before.  I think maybe she should have made it again.  The West Virginian in me thinks that that kind of money calls for a piece of meat!

And then while they're eating the macaroni salad and going on and on to Ina about how great it is, one of them goes "What did you put in this sauce? It's wonderful!"  And Ina goes "Oh, it's mayonaisse, sour cream and some freshly squeezed lemon juice!"

Well that's what you get in West Virginia at the church picnic....

Y'all!  I'm just flabbergasted!  I cannot get over it.

So tell me - if you paid $100,000.00 for lunch with Ina would you be a little disappointed with macaroni salad?

Or maybe it's just me.

Sweet Mystery of Life

I happen to think that Madeline Khan was the funniest thing - ever.

How anyone could be so lady-like and so raunchy at the same time is beyond me.

This is one of my favorite scenes. From Young Frankenstein.

To Be or Not to Be...

When I started this blog, one of the things I was supposed to talk about was my 'search for love'. 

Yeah, well I don't so much search for it.  It's more like something I look for in flea markets from time to time.  Not seriously, just sort of poking around until I lose interest. 

You all know that for the past couple of months I've been trying to date.  And I say 'trying' because that's what it is for me.... tiresome and trying.

It's not that I don't want to get involved.  Really, it's not. 

It's just that I don't want to get involved.

*heavy sigh*

It's bad when you find your own self annoying, isn't it?

The problem (and this is probably only a problem if you're an American) is that I'm happy.  I'm single and I'm happy. 

I'm not happy because I'm single, but I'm certainly not unhappy because I'm single.

I'm perfectly happy.  Perfectly content.  And perfectly single. 

And I have to ask myself why I want to upset my apple cart. Why do I put myself through this?

I have friends who kind of look at me when I say things like that and it's sort of like they think  'I know she thinks she's happy now, but if she had a man she'd be so much more happy'. 

There are too many divorces out there for that to necessarily be true. 

Don't get me wrong, I know many people who are happily involved in relationships.  But for every happy couple I know, I know 10 unhappy couples. And I've been in an unhappy 'marriage'.  I don't want another. 

I went to church on Christmas Eve and I was probably the only person there who was alone.  No kids.  No parents.  No husband.  Just me - singin' the carols.

And I felt a little sad.  I thought:  Is this what my future will be?  Me.  Alone.  No public proof that anybody loves me.  

Cause that's what I think I'm missing - public proof. 

When you're somebody's wife - you get the ring.  And if he's handsome and successful and your ring is of acceptable size, other people judge you based on that.  Other people judge your worth based on the man you 'catch'.  I know a lot of unhappy women who put on that show in public.  They've got a ring and a successful husband and a beautiful home and 2 beautiful children.  Their happiness is assumed - even if it's a big lie. 

And then there's me.   I ain't got no man or no ring.  I'm a sad, sad girl.  What's wrong with me? 

The fact that I don't really want a man or a ring is met with a certain amount of disbelief and/or disdain. What kind of a good Southern girl doesn't want a ring? 

I know I'm not the only one - but sometimes I feel like it.

So I sat in church on Christmas Eve, looking at all the couples and feeling 'less' and sort of thinking that a significant other would be nice sometimes.....

And then church was over and I got in my car and I was driving home and I was so, so, so, so happy that there was nobody in the car with me.  Nobody at my house.  Nobody to share the bed with.  I was truly happy that I'm single.   

When I was younger I very much wanted to marry and have children - at least in an abstract way.  But it was always something that I'd do 'later'.  And I spent a lot of time - years probably - being violently unhappy when I was single.  Probably because I was waiting for a guy so my life would start. 

After the breakup - I finally understood that that wasn't going to happen.  So I built my own life. 

And now, instead of viewing that guy as the beginning of my life I view him as possibly the thing that will destroy the life that I have.  And I just can't have that. 

So here I am. 

Trying. 

Trying to hold on to what I have while trying to take a chance to make it better.

I am aware of the distinct possibility that I think too much.  And I'm aware of the distinct possibility that maybe there is some guy out there who will make my life better.  So I try.

But I'm not sad.  And I ain't skeerd. 

Just so ya know.
Image from here.

Lipstick For Lazy Girls

I'm super lazy about lipstick, y'all. 

I want to put it on in the morning and basically want it to stick around all day. 

The upshot of this is that I have lipstick on for approximately 15 minutes.  I mean, I really don't even make it into work before it's gone. 

I don't like the 'long wearing' lipsticks because they always look scary and dry my lips out.  I don't want dry lips.  I am addicted to carmax because I cannot abide dry lips.  I think I've blogged about this before.....

Anywho, I've read about the fabulosity of NARS Velvet Matte Lip Pencil in a couple of different places.  So on Saturday, I was off to Nordstrom (the happiest place in the world) to check it out.  The NARS girl at Nordstrom was wonderful (Nordstrom is SO happy to help you spend your money- it's fabulous).   With her help, I selected 2 colors of the NARS Velvet Matte Lip Pencil - Bahamas (sort of a brownish red) and Belle Du Jour (love, love, love the name) which is absolutely neutral and is for a nude lip - because sometimes I'm just running around town and I want a nude lip....  whatever - I wanted it. 

I also got 2 lip glosses to go with -

Ophelia (sort of pink-y) and Greek Holiday (neutral for the nude lip).   These are in addition to my go to NARS lip gloss - the ever popular Risky Business. 

I left the makeup counter with a nude lip and went on with my day.  An hour later I was leaving Target and looked in the mirror and realized that my lips were still .... perfect.  Just perfect. 

And that's money well spent.

I Wish I Got Paid A Million An Episode

Yesterday I felt like my life was a bad Jennifer Aniston movie -

You know the one where she's stuck in a mid-level job, chasing the wrong guy, harried and lost? 

Well, that was me on Tuesday - without the big, fat paycheck at the end.  
Image:  Patience by Mihaela Muntean.

Rejected eHarmony Match of the Week

So this week's Rejected eHarmony match of the week is.......

ME!

That's right.  I have been rejected!  Can you believe it?  Neither can I!!

I got matched with 'David' on Wednesday morning.  By the time I got to work he had already requested communication from me.  We emailed several times throughout the day.

On Wednesday night, I got home and had some household chores to attend to - cooking myself dinner, among other things.  Also, the Beans were needy and the blog wasn't finished for Thursday or Friday and I had some work to do.  Therefore, when 'David' emailed me on Wednesday night, I did not get back to him.

I emailed him on Thursday morning.  When he asked me why I hadn't emailed him back Wednesday night, I explained to him that I had stuff to do, including the blog.   We emailed throughout the day and he asked me if I'd like to meet next week.  I said 'sure' and we made plans to have dinner this coming Tuesday.  When I got home on Thursday night we emailed back and forth several times and his last email said that he had his daughter this (last) weekend.

Friday was a HUGELY busy day at work- you know, where I practice law.  I was putting out fires all day.  On top of that, my stove was on the fritz and I had someone coming to look at it so I had to take off a little early.  Then I had Beans to attend to and then I had dinner and then I had emails from work to deal with things that came up after I left.  And, you know, I wanted to watch the season finale of 'Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders:  Making the Team'.

Needless to say, I did not email 'David' on Friday (and he didn't email me, either).  I figured since I was super busy and he had his daughter and we had never actually, you know, met each other, I'd just email him on Sunday to see how his weekend was.....

On Saturday morning I got up to this (entitled 'Goodbye') and apparently sent to me at 1:36 a.m.:

Tonya,

I have gone ahead and canceled dinner.

Have to say having time to 'blog' but not respond to my e-mail only shows to me lack of interest in me and excitement in developing something real..

I'm sure you are very nice, but I feel I have made a mistake...

I will say goodbye, take care and good luck...

David

Wow!

I have to say, I was a little stunned.  After all, I'm usually the paranoid, neurotic, needy one in all my non-relationships.

I guess I really blew that one, didn't I? 

And I mean I was planning to quit my job, give up all my hobbies, sell the Beans and dump all my friends later in the week so I'd have time to wait by my computer for 'David's' emails.  I just hadn't gotten to it yet.....

Clearly, I'm not the girl he's looking for. 

In case you're keeping a list, we have another item for it:

1. No gym rats
2. No campers
3. No nancy boys

Image:  78o by Jaqleen Bleu Photography.

Charming Dilemmas

I have a problem....

On the one hand, I feel flabby and fat and out of shape and I reallllllyyyyyy want to get back with the program.

On the other hand, I want to sit around and eat steak and lots and lots of cupcakes.

It's a problem.
Image:  23 Aug 10 by The Daily Foto  Project.