To Be or Not to Be...

When I started this blog, one of the things I was supposed to talk about was my 'search for love'. 

Yeah, well I don't so much search for it.  It's more like something I look for in flea markets from time to time.  Not seriously, just sort of poking around until I lose interest. 

You all know that for the past couple of months I've been trying to date.  And I say 'trying' because that's what it is for me.... tiresome and trying.

It's not that I don't want to get involved.  Really, it's not. 

It's just that I don't want to get involved.

*heavy sigh*

It's bad when you find your own self annoying, isn't it?

The problem (and this is probably only a problem if you're an American) is that I'm happy.  I'm single and I'm happy. 

I'm not happy because I'm single, but I'm certainly not unhappy because I'm single.

I'm perfectly happy.  Perfectly content.  And perfectly single. 

And I have to ask myself why I want to upset my apple cart. Why do I put myself through this?

I have friends who kind of look at me when I say things like that and it's sort of like they think  'I know she thinks she's happy now, but if she had a man she'd be so much more happy'. 

There are too many divorces out there for that to necessarily be true. 

Don't get me wrong, I know many people who are happily involved in relationships.  But for every happy couple I know, I know 10 unhappy couples. And I've been in an unhappy 'marriage'.  I don't want another. 

I went to church on Christmas Eve and I was probably the only person there who was alone.  No kids.  No parents.  No husband.  Just me - singin' the carols.

And I felt a little sad.  I thought:  Is this what my future will be?  Me.  Alone.  No public proof that anybody loves me.  

Cause that's what I think I'm missing - public proof. 

When you're somebody's wife - you get the ring.  And if he's handsome and successful and your ring is of acceptable size, other people judge you based on that.  Other people judge your worth based on the man you 'catch'.  I know a lot of unhappy women who put on that show in public.  They've got a ring and a successful husband and a beautiful home and 2 beautiful children.  Their happiness is assumed - even if it's a big lie. 

And then there's me.   I ain't got no man or no ring.  I'm a sad, sad girl.  What's wrong with me? 

The fact that I don't really want a man or a ring is met with a certain amount of disbelief and/or disdain. What kind of a good Southern girl doesn't want a ring? 

I know I'm not the only one - but sometimes I feel like it.

So I sat in church on Christmas Eve, looking at all the couples and feeling 'less' and sort of thinking that a significant other would be nice sometimes.....

And then church was over and I got in my car and I was driving home and I was so, so, so, so happy that there was nobody in the car with me.  Nobody at my house.  Nobody to share the bed with.  I was truly happy that I'm single.   

When I was younger I very much wanted to marry and have children - at least in an abstract way.  But it was always something that I'd do 'later'.  And I spent a lot of time - years probably - being violently unhappy when I was single.  Probably because I was waiting for a guy so my life would start. 

After the breakup - I finally understood that that wasn't going to happen.  So I built my own life. 

And now, instead of viewing that guy as the beginning of my life I view him as possibly the thing that will destroy the life that I have.  And I just can't have that. 

So here I am. 

Trying. 

Trying to hold on to what I have while trying to take a chance to make it better.

I am aware of the distinct possibility that I think too much.  And I'm aware of the distinct possibility that maybe there is some guy out there who will make my life better.  So I try.

But I'm not sad.  And I ain't skeerd. 

Just so ya know.
Image from here.