Single Girls of a Certain Age

I had dinner at The Pancake House with my dear friend the other night and we were talking about sex.

Yes -

Women get together, have breakfast for dinner and talk about sex.

And I told her that I don't think that I'm having enough lately and I'm a little concerned.

Now, let me be clear - 

We were talking about sex and specifically, the kind of sex that only needs one participant.

Taking care of your business - as Janet Jackson may say.

I told her that lately, I haven't found it to be worth the trouble.

She said:

'Oh, my God!  I thought exactly the same thing the other night!'

The conversation went something like this....:

Me:  '...And you know, I was laying there and I thought 'maybe I should do it.  I haven't in a while.'  So I laid there for another minute or two, assessing my interest and I thought 'well, I'll have to roll over and get in the drawer and get the thing out, take off my underwear, fumble around....'

Friend:  'You take your underwear off?'

Me:  'sometimes' (you know 'cause I figure I'm worth it...)

*heavy sigh*

But then I thought - 'nah, maybe tomorrow'.   

I was, dear readers, too tired to have sex with myself - and I generally show myself a good time!

It is at this point that I think that I have zero hope of ever finding a man. 

Now, before we go any further here, let me say this before anybody out there gets on her high horse:  If you say you don't masturbate, you're either lying or something is wrong with you.

Masturbation is the best thing - EVER!  It doesn't give you diseases, it doesn't make you pregnant, you do it, you ALWAYS have a good time and then you go to sleep.  There is nothing not to love about it and after 4 years of mediocre sex with The Love Maker I can say, without reservation, that it is often an infinitely more satisfying alternative.   If you happen to be a person who actually doesn't do it, then I will tell you that I think you should buy a book and go to your room. 

But I digress  -

Should I be a little easier on myself because I'm in a lull? Should I focus on that time before Thanksgiving when I was sitting at my desk drafting affidavits and thought "HEY! I know what I can do when I get home!" or should I turn my gaze from past activities and focus on the issue at hand, rent some porn and spice up my life?  What is the answer to this question? 

In general, I think that we would all like to think of ourselves as a little more sexually active than maybe we are.  Our culture would have us believe that if you're single your life should be a never ending series of crazy sex with a parade of partners and if you're married you are supposed to be hot for each other and going at it like bunnies well into your 15th year of marriage - or something is wrong with you.

Apparently, it's not sexy to admit that you have a demanding job, a lot on your plate, kids - whatever - and sometimes you just want to go to sleep.

But I admit it, y'all.  Lately, I've just wanted to go to sleep.  Sorry if I've crushed any "single girl" or other illusions.  But that's the way it is here and although I am happy to talk about things that I'm not doing, your chances of ever hearing about the things I am doing are just about....zero.

But I will let you in on the girl chat, from time to time.  And y'all can feel free to comment on the matter.

Image:  Rustled Beds by Ashley Summer