Grief

I cried on Monday night.

We're talking wracked with sobs.  It kind of hit me out of nowhere and I cried and got all swollen and snotty and couldn't stop so I just sat and sobbed for a while.

It was one of those times that my husband/boyfriend (if I had one) would have thought that the world had ended.

And then I didn't sleep and woke up and spent the day as if sand had been poured in my eyes.

Here is why I cried:

Yesterday was the 15th anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing, which absolutely and completely broke my heart.  Broke.  It.

I can't believe that an American did that.  I couldn't believe it then and I still cannot comprehend it.  In my mind, it's worse than 9/11.

I watched a clip on CNN about the 6 children who survived and they are all teenagers and young adults now.  The father of Chris Nguyen (who was 5 at the time) said that after he heard about the bombing and as he was driving to the site he stopped at a convenience store and bought large plastic bags because he thought he was driving there to pick up his son's body.  He just BROKE my heart.  I know that I keep saying that but I don't know any other way to describe it.  He was so quiet, so dignified, an immigrant who came her to be free, who loves this country and he just broke my heart.  Thankfully Chris is fine and in college now and has such purpose.  There are so many parents who weren't so blessed that day. 

The whole thing was such a waste.  An attack on innocent people carried out by a young man who was so full of hatred and he took so much from so many people.  Timothy McVeigh's execution was (in my opinion) just, but it was all such a waste. 

And then I cried because I read about Dixie Carter's funeral.  Apparently, she had a horrible stroke and was paralyzed and unable to speak.  She had control of her left hand and part of her arm and at her funeral, her daughter said that at night, in the dark, in the hospital, when she thought they were sleeping. that her mother would lie awake and exercise the one part of her body that she could move.

And I cried because she was so full of life and she wanted to live and she never gave up.  For so long, I wanted to die and now I want to live - so much.  I hope that I will always fight like that.

Ms. Carter was such a lady.  Her daughter said she was "so substantial".  What a wonderful thing to say.  So I cried for her Monday night.  I hope she rests in peace. 

So that's my sob story for Wednesday.  And sometimes you just need to cry.
Image:  Paris Cafe in the Rain by Rebecca Plotnick.