Ever wanted to scare a guy? Some overly helpful guy at work whose trying to tell you how to deal with your migraines without drugs because he knows more about it than your OB? Or some guy at a bar that won't go away.
Tell him that your starting to have symptoms of oncoming Menopause. That's right. Just throw it right out there, really matter of factly.
That'll shut him the fuck up.
The fact is that I'm over 40 and am entering the joys of perimenopause. And I feel bad. On several levels.
First, I don't want to do it. I don't know why. I guess in my head "menopause" is for old ladies. You know, Bea Arthur. I'm not Bea Arthur. I'm still young and hot. I shouldn't have to deal with this for another 20 years. But you know it doesn't work that way.
Second, I feel bad because of the way I acted when I was younger. When older women would talk about menopause, I'd give them this look. You know. The look that attempts to be sympathetic while you're thinking in your 26 year old brain "that will never be me."
I got that look a couple of months ago. I've been having dizziness that I could not account for. I just felt that my balance was off and given that my mother had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor I was feeling particularly hypochondriacal, so I went straight to the internet. I discovered that dizziness is a typical symptom of menopause. When I mentioned this to the back up internist that I had to see because my real doctor was on vacation, her 26 year old, nubile little self gave me the look.
And I thought: "Yeah, I know that look. I've given that look. You just wait. You're gonna be wrong."
And then there is the fact that I feel bad. Not all the time. But I sleep with the air conditioning on 65 and there are nights that I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm just burning up. Throwing off the covers and HOT. I've never been hot in my life. I sat through my brother's college graduation and it was 130 degrees in there and I was warm. Friday night I vacuumed the living room with the air on 68 and I was sweating and hot. I went and stood in front of the open refrigerator.
And then we have migraines. Not fun. They are caused by the fact that my estrogen is now "plummeting" according to my OB. She doesn't sugar coat this shit. It makes me love and hate her.
Then there is the insomnia. It sucks. I've developed a close, warm relationship with Ambien. I don't like drugs. I just wanna go to sleep.
And now I'm dizzy sometimes.
And it's only gonna get worse.
At least my breasts are still spectacular.
Image: Smoke 3 by C Lilly Photography.